I’d love to write a novel, but I just got Super Mario Bros. Wii, so I don’t have all kinds of time.
But… I’ve got a bunch of great beginnings of novels, and they’re burning a hole in my headpocket, so I figured, “I’ll post them here, and people can finish the novels for me.” It’s called “crowdsourcing”, and it’s the future… the future of you!
So, here’re some great beginnings to novels:
She wore a red dress. But not all the time.
This is great because you’ve already got a main character, and she’s a lady. (Sexy!) But I’ve really left it open for you in terms of who she is and what she wears.
Plus, I think this novel is destined to have some great symbolism. Red is a great color for symbolism. (e.g. blood is red, but so are apples, so this dress could work as a symbol for either!)
Next:
You call that krumpin’? That ain’ krumpin’. I’ll tell ya what krumpin’ is.
I’d love to read this novel because I have no idea what krumpin’ is. But I’d love to find out! Sadly, most information about krumpin’ is either hidden within the lyrics of “rap” music (which I don’t listen to for fear of becoming a reverse racist) or on the Internet (which I do not read due to a longstanding bet with a college friend).
But I love novels! I read a novel or two every day. Three on a bad day. (I use novels to stave off depression.) So whoever writes this one, let me know the Amazon page for it because I will be customer number one!
Also, this novel will be written in “dialect”, which means you use a lot of punctuation and write like real people talk. Most books are written how smart people talk: lots of big words like “sensibility” and “whom”. But this book will be much easier for you to write because you don’t have to always be looking into a thesaurus for every utterance. ( <– means "word")
And finally:
This sentence is also the last sentence of this novel.
Whoa whoa whoa! I’ve just given someone a post-modern masterpiece to write! I mean, how crazy is that sentence? I guarantee this novel will get good reviews. Smart people love art that confuses them or that “breaks rules”. This novel will do both!
I mean, the novel itself is self-aware that it is a novel. Smart people love things that are self-aware. Except for self-aware robots. Warning: DO NOT MAKE THIS NOVEL ABOUT ROBOTS. Smart people hate books about robots. I assume because one day the work of most smart people will be done by robots. Whatever it is, just don’t get in the middle of the smart people/robot feud.
But back to the not-making-sense quality of this novel, this novel is guaranteed to make little to no sense. I mean, the last sentence of the book will be, “This sentence is also the last sentence of this novel.” That doesn’t even make remote sense! Smart people will go apeshit. Basically, were he not dead by his own hand, David Foster Wallace would have already vomited out this masterpiece. But now you can be the vomiter!
So there you are, the next three Great American Novels, to whom it may concern. ( <– Eat it up, smart people!)
P.S. Craig, just because I posted this on the Internet does not mean I read anything on the Internet while I did that, so the bet is still on, mutha-effah!
