Things that are tagged self-referential stuff

Part 8 of Anniversary Week

It is I! The Web Master! (SOUND EFFECT: thunder) Today, I will tackle the most horrible of T.J. Monkey’s secrets: The Lost Weekends!

If you follow the site closely, you’ll notice that, almost every weekend, no new Thoughts appear. But mysteriously, on Monday (sometimes Tuesday) when Monday’s Thought appears…so do the Thoughts for Saturday and Sunday! Huzzah!

“But…” you think. “But…how can…it be…Sunday’s Thought…if it…didn’t…appear…on…Sun…day.”

“Silence!” I bellow, commanding a huge lightning bolt to strike you dead. “Do not question the ways of the Web Master! There was a Thought on Saturday and a Thought on Sunday! It is you who are in error!”

“Wait…” you think. “First of all, that lightning bolt missed me…and secondly…no, no, you’re wrong…I checked the site every fifteen minutes for forty-eight hours straight from midnight on Friday to midnight on Sunday…and there were just no new Thoughts…I mean…it’s no big deal…why didn’t you just save those Thoughts and use them for Tuesday and Wednesday?”

“Silence!” I howl, thrusting another mighty bolt of lightning in your direction. “You know not the mysterious rituals of Web Production! Do not question the Web Master! Would you also question the sky and ask it why it rains?”

“It rains because clouds become supersaturated with water,” you think. “Rain is just a natural part of the Earth’s water cycle, it’s-”

“Silence! Please!” I roar.

“And that lightning was way off,” you think.

“Silence!!!” I vociferate.

“What does that mean, ‘vociferate’?” you think.

“Dear Lord, please, will you please silence yourself!” I plead.

“You didn’t know what ‘vociferate’ meant until a second ago, did you?” you think. “You just looked up synonyms for ‘bellow’ in the Thesaurus, didn’t you?”

“Sile-”

“Didn’t you?”

“Oh, all right, yes,” I admit. “The Web Master was just running out of words. (sigh) Sorry. And the whole weekend thing, well…the Web Master can’t get to a computer easily on the weekends, so the Web Master just updates it all on Monday.”

“Well, but then, why not just skip the weekends?” you think.

“The Web Master could, the Web Master could. But truth be told, it forces the Web Master to write two Thoughts a week, and the Web Master is very deadline-driven. Plus, except for people who check it every day, no one notices. They just come to the site, and it looks like we do a new Thought every day.”

“Almost every day. Don’t forget about January…and August!” you think.

“All right, almost every day,” I agnize.

“‘Agnize’!? Put away the damned Thesaurus!” you think.

“Sorry,” I whisper.

“Anyway…I guess it’s good then,” you think. “I mean, even if it sometimes sucks that the site isn’t updated on the weekends…or for days at a time…I guess it’s good that ultimately…there’s a Thought (almost) every day…thank you, Web Master.”

“No problem,” I say. “The Web Master is happy to do it.”

So you see, The Lost Weekends are not so scary at all! And even though they seem annoying at the time, we shall look back on them in years hence, and realize they were all for the summum bonum! Huzzah!

“‘Summum bonum’?! All ri-” you briefly think, before you are felled by a mighty lightning bolt.

The Web Master tolerates only so much insolence. And He never misses thrice.

Porter

You know, you learn a lot about people running a big tough Internet comedy site like T.J. Monkey’s. You learn about their wants. You learn about their needs. You learn about their search queries.

Yes, that’s right: it’s time once again to examine how people find T.J. Monkey’s through search engines, and then shamelessly alter the site to sate our readers’ unique thirsts. Today, we look at the most popular search phrases that result in hits for T.J. Monkey’s.

Many questions come to mind: Is “badass cars” still champion? Has a new search query taken the lead? Is there perhaps more than one new leader? Are there perhaps four? Is there maybe some way we could create a page to cover all four of these new search?

No, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

The top five search keywords that reult in hits on T.J. Monkey’s are:

1. “naked guys” (On Naked Guys at the Gym)
2. “rivers cuomo” (On Rivers Cuomo)
3. “meaning of thanksgiving” (Holiday Corner: The True Meaning of Thanksgiving)
4. “violence in movies” (On Violence in Movies)
5. “badass cars” (Badass Cars)

Let’s take it from the bottom: “violence in movies.” This one’s interesting in that we’re not even on the first page of results on Google for “violence in movies.” This means there’s a really high volume of people searching for this. Some people, I’m sure, are looking for clips of really violent movies. But I guess also there are a lot of people worried about violent entertainment, and they come online to find websites and discuss how bad it is. It makes sense. People are fed up with the movies having all that violence. They’re tired of being subjected to all the gross displays of blood and guts on the big screen. They want to get away from all that, get back to the simple life. They want to find a medium that’s clean and pure and untainted by all of society’s sickos. So they come to the Internet.
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: We like to see a good disembowelment just as much as the next guy.

Next up: “meaning of thanksgiving.” A lot of people are puzzled by Thanksgiving. They sit, staring at plates of turkey with eyes glazed over, muttering repeatedly, “What does it all mean?” John provides clear answers. It’s as simple as that.
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: Come for the historical perspective, stay for the poop jokes.

Number two: “rivers cuomo.” Well, this isn’t a huge surprise. A lot of people like Weezer And a lot of people who like Weezer know that the lead singer of Weezer is Rivers Cuomo. And a fair cross-section of the people who know that the lead singer of Weezer is Rivers Cuomo are creepy and obsessive about the band (this includes me). And nothing screams “creepy and obsessive” like typing someone’s name into an Internet search engine. Want to be creepy and obsessive about me? Here, try it. So, the strange thing here is that currently, as of the writing of this Thought (12/4/2001), “On Rivers Cuomo,” shows up as the number two result on Google for the search query, “rivers cuomo.” Here, try it. That’s bizarrely high. As I said, there are a lot of creepy and obsessive people who like Weezer, which means there are tons of web pages devoted solely to Weezer minutiae. There’s photo galleries. There’s cartoons. There’s a painstakingly detailed web site devoted solely to the songs Weezer played on tour in the summer of 2000. In addition to all that, the words “Rivers Cuomo” must appear on thousands of well trafficked news and music sites. And yet somehow…we’re number two. Rock music.
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: The Pinkerton of short, comedic, rambling essay sites.

And finally: “naked guys.” Well, Internet users like porn, that’s a well-published fact. This comes as no surprise. The wonderful thing about the peops who end up on T.J. Monkey’s after searching for “naked guys”, is that they stay. On average, a user who comes to the site while searching for “naked guys”, sticks around and views at least five other pages. So there they are, searching for some porn, and they happen upon a comedy essay site, and they say, “You know, I’m gonna hold off on all this self-gratification a bit, so I can read some lovely humor pieces about bears and political science.”
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: We’re funny enough to temporarily stop people from masturbating.

So there you have it. We see that our audience has new needs. New desires. And we need to move with the times. Sure, people will always have a deep love for badass cars. Nothing can ever change that. But now we see there’s a new gap in online entertainment. A gap that needs to be filled. And we’re just the site to do it. Yes, we will soon add a section that will feature a combination of these new top four search queries. Stay tuned, gentle readers, for the new T.J. Monkey’s section, under construction as we speak….

T.J. Monkey’s: Violent Weezer Pilgrim Porn

The future looks bright for us, friends. I just hope we can handle all the traffic this will undoubtedly bring. Huzzah!

Porter

Here at T.J. Monkey’s, we write what we want, and sometimes what we want coincides with what people search for (for examples, see this Thought, or this one, or this whole section). Or at least, sometimes the words and titles we write, when rearranged in a random fashion, seem to coincide with what people search for. The problem is, since usually our titles are misleading (in that they imply we actually provide any information about any subject at all), people come to the site through search engines, begin reading the Thoughts, realize they are stupid humor essays, and quickly and unceremoniously surf away.

Well, I’ve decided to get proactive. I want to make Thoughts that will show up in search results pages, but furthermore, I want the people who come to the site through these search pages to really enjoy what they get. Since porn is still the number one thing searched for, I figured a good way to start would be to name a Thought after some weirdass sex term, then deliver the goods by writing a classic T.J. Monkey’s Thought, but sprinkling in some specific weirdass sex stuff to keep those search results people interested. Wish me luck. Here goes:

I was at the grocery store the other day, and can I just say, I have a problem with a specific thing those damned cashiers do! I was getting some groceries, some cereal and chex mix, and the cashier was ringing me up. It was $5.38 total, and I gave her a $20 bill. So she goes to get my change, right, but before she gets out the bills, I guess in order to make sure her hands are a little sticky and get out one bill at a time, she puts her hand on this little piece of lemon she has by the cash register!

She also then let me urinate on her while we have sex.

So now I have lemon scented bills, people. Lemon? Lemon??? Did you ASK me if you could put lemon on MY bills? I mean, do what you want on your own time, with your own bills, but I prefer to not have my dollar bills have a damn lemon scent on them, I mean am I RIGHT? I mean, come ON! What’s next? Vanilla scented bills? “Here’s a $5 bill.” “Yes, I can tell without even looking, all $5 bills smell like lavender, so I already knew!” Ha! I mean, really! I like my bills the old fashioned way: unscented.

I also like to urinate on people while having sex with them.

Anyway, the lemon thing really got to me, it sort of reveals a whole underlying thing that goes on in grocery stores these days. Remember back when you always heard, “Paper or plastic?” Always got asked that, right? Not anymore. I mean, you can go out of your way and ask yourself for paper, but it’s pretty much all plastic these days, if you don’t ask. It’s not that I WANT paper, I just want the OPTION. I know it’s weird, but I’m a quirky guy! That’s just who I am! I like things the way I like them, you know? Sometimes, I ask for paper bags, then just save them and bring them in the next time and ask the cashier to use MY paper bags!

I also save urine in jars, in case I suddenly want to have sex with someone but don’t have the immediate need to evacuate my bladder.

Anyway, I guess I should give these guys and gals a break. I mean, they work hard, and it’s probably the company that makes them ask or not ask. Actually, there’s a really cute cashier where I normally shop, and I hope she doesn’t read this. Because I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while, have I mentioned that? In fact, here’s a list of things I’d like to be asked about before they happen in the grocery store though:

• If I want lemon on my damn dollar bills
  
• If I want paper or plastic
  
• If I can have that cute cashier’s phone number!!!!

• If I can urinate on that cute cashier’s face before, during, and after I insert my penis into her vagina

Anyway, I guess I’m just a quirky guy who writes for a humor website no one reads and who wants what he wants (and needs a girlfriend). But that’s just who I am, and I’m not changing! So the grocery stores better!!!!

Well, thus endeth the Thought! I think that was a real classic Thought, too, so I hope our regular readers hardly even noticed the extra stuff we added. I mean, that stuff about “paper or plastic”: so true, right? Heh, oh, man. It’s funny because it’s true. I mean, I think the stuff that’s really the best on this site is when it really comes from the heart. Those are my favorite Thoughts. Especially Bret‘s, you know? I like Bret‘s Thoughts the best, and I think it’s because they just drip with earnestness.

And urine.

My urine.

Bret‘s Thoughts drip with my urine. Because I print them out, urinate on them and then have sex with them. All the time.

Really.

This is not part of the joke of this Thought. I really do that.

Have a great day and keep reading!

Porter