Things that are tagged how to live your damn life

If you’re like me ( and many, many people are), then you’re always goin’ around and telling people that they are incorrect or "wrong". Furthermore, if you’re like me, you probably need to pay the electric bill. Get goin’ on that; you remember what happened last time, stupid.

Now, after telling so many people they’re wrong, it becomes apparent that there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. I will now lay out the right ways and skip over the wrong ways, as I am not keen on being wrong, and if you’re like me, neither are you. You also probably need to go to the dentist, too, but pay the electric bill first, moron, or at least write the check and drop it off on the way.

So, a really good way to tell someone they’re wrong is, "Hey, you big fat idiot, get yer head out yer boo, and think about what yer sayin’." Now…. this is not a way to go if the person who’s wrong (hereafter, the wronger) is truly "big" and "fat". Why? Because it may anger them. That’s right, some wrongers don’t wanna hear the truth about themselves. And most of these wrongers are big and fat. Or stupid. But you can tell a stupid wronger they’re stupid because they’ll won’t even understand what you’re saying. Why? Because they’re so stupid. But the big, fat wrongers, or even just the big wrongers, or even just a group of people I like to call "People Who Can Beat You Up If You’re Like Me", well… you shouldn’t say this to them. Why? Figure it out. This is a thought of the day, not a spoon-feeding, people. Now, another problem with this method is, many people might not know what a "boo" is. Well, it’s your butt, idiot. That’s what you say if they ask. "Well, it’s your butt, idiot." That’s right. Now, you’ve really shown ‘em.

Another way to go is, "You’re very wrong on that one. You’re the wrongest wrong that ever wronged a wrong." I love this method. You see, if people aren’t really listening to you (which, if you’re like me, and we’ve established you are, is very common), if people (wrongers) aren’t paying attention to you, this way is great, see, because if they miss that first "wrong", you hit ‘em with four more! Zam! They’re on the ground, writhing in their wrongness! Ha ha! Woo! Yeah, this way is great. Again, though, avoid the "People Who Can Beat You Up If You’re Like Me" (or "PWCBYUIYLM"ers as they’re know in the media).

Way number three: "Could you hold on a second?… (mime answering a phone) Hello? Uh-huh… Oh, he/she’s really totally and completely wrong? Oh how interesting! I’ll tell them! (mime hanging up the phone, then point at the wronger and storm away)" Man… I love this way. It’s like a whole play! A whole little one-act, one-man play you put on for the wrongers! But do they appreciate it? No! The little bastards… you put on a whole play for them, and what do they say? Usually something like, "Porter’s performance, while truthful, lacked passion. And if you’re not sitting in the first three rows, forget about hearing anything; the sound quality was poor. Mason’s lackluster effort here is unfortunately just par-for-the-course in today’s off-Broadway world. And this reviewer, for one, is sick and tired of it." Well, Jesus. What does this teach us? Never do this way if the wronger is a theatre critic. And: remember to speak from the diaphragm. Project your voice! Project!

The final way we’ll cover (there are many we will not cover) is this: "(poke them in the eye, spit, and run away)." Well, the basic rules still apply here: avoid the "PWCBYUIYLM"ers, and don’t upstage yourself. Other than that, you should feel free to apply this way liberally to all wrongness. It really shows the wronger who’s boss: they won’t be bein’ wrong anymore! Mostly because they’re blind! Zing!

That is all for this lesson. If you think there’s more I should cover, get yer head out yer boo! And pay the damn electric bill! Zow!

Porter

Parades are great, aren’t they? I mean, nothin’ says “America” to me like a parade. Nothin’. Except maybe a big bald eagle. Draped in an American flag. Flying over the White House. Carrying the statue of Liberty. Eating a hot dog. Playing baseball. Watching a Pauly Shore movie. That really says America. That sort of screams “America.” It sort of drunkenly screams “America.” It sort of gets belligerently drunk, screams “America,” and then picks a fight with a street vendor.

So, anyway, parades. You know I love ‘em. Now, I know what you’re thinking (because I am a telepath): “Porter, can I have my own parade? Please?!?!” Sure, l’il feller!! Anyone can have their own parade! It’s just takes the three P’s of parades: planning, perseverance, and money to bribe local government officials. (That last one, while containing no P’s, is very important, so we let it slide on the P thing.)

Planning. When planning a parade, you’ve got to plan to plan ahead. Way ahead. In fact, the 1957 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was planned in 1459, long before Macy’s, Thanksgiving, or America even existed! Now, with today’s modern technology (and here I am referring to such things as LASERs, supercomputers, and inflated stock prices), you won’t need 500+ years to plan your parade. You’ll only need two to three weeks! If you play your cards right. So, step one: get cards. Step two: play them right. And you’re done!

Perseverance. A parade requires perseverance on the behalf of its founder. Why? Well, a lot of people will say your parade is stupid. They’ll say, “You shouldn’t have a parade.” That “it’s a waste of time.” That “you’re wasting valuable confetti.” They’ll say, “I will make it my life’s goal to prevent you from putting on this parade, you sick, sick bastard!” It takes perseverance to deal with this. You may think this perseverance helps you to push on and create this parade despite their unkind words. You are wrong. What you must do is: every time someone disparages your parade, you must beat them. You must beat them to a bloodied pulp until they can no longer stand or speak. Now, depending on how stupid your parade actually is, there could be a lot of people you have to beat, and this sort of widespread, ruthless violence takes extreme perseverance. So, get out there and start swingin’!

Money To Bribe Local Government Officials. A lot of times, when you want to shut down roads, pour lots of little pieces of paper all over the place, and wear big funny hats and costumes, people called “local government officials” will want to stop you. They’ll say, “You can’t shut down these roads without a permit!” and “You’re not allowed to just stop all commerce on this street without a permit!” and “You’re not permitted to set fire to these buildings without a permit! I doubt you can even do it with a permit! Maybe if it’s a really, really lenient permit!” Yes, sadly, you’ll hear this sort of claptrap all the time, and what’s worse, you can’t just beat these people up (see Perseverance) because if you take one out, there’ll be another one to take his/her place. You beat up the mayor, there’ll be some deputy mayor. You beat up the comptroller, there’ll be some deputy comptroller. You beat up the chief of police, he’ll shoot you. So, you see, you need to take a different approach with these people. They speak a different language. What’s their language? Money. So what you do is, you go up to one of them, and you speak their language. You say, “Hey there, Mr. Mayor, money money money money money. Money money money, money. Money money money – money.” And then hand him some money.

So get out there, brave readers, and have your own damn parade. As you can see, it’s no walk in the park to do so (unless your parade does in fact go through a park), but it’s well worth all the effort, money, and beatings. And when it’s all over, when the confetti’s thrown, the grand marshall’s left, and the high school bands are in the bushes making out with each other, there’ll be a moment, ever-so-brief, where all is quiet, and you can look around and really appreciate what you’ve done. And then someone next to you will pat you on the back, break the silence, and say, “Hey, man. This was a really crappy parade.” And then you’ll beat him to within an inch of his life. And you’ll know that it’s time to start the whole crazy process over again for next year. Good luck, and happy paradin’!

Porter

It’s time for another edition of Porter’s Grammar and Style Shack, where I, Porter Mason, teach you how to improve your writing. And boy howdy does your writing need improving. Especially if you are Ayn Rand.

Today’s Lesson: Censoring

It’s good to censor yourself. It’s always a tough thing to do, but I think you’ll find that if you learn to censor yourself properly, you’ll become a better writer. I know, I know. You want to make sure you hold on to your “artistic integrity” and “street cred” by leaving in potentially offensive sentences. You want to appear “edgy” and “cool” to all your high-brow readers. Well, here’s a newsflash: you don’t get popular by being offensive, and you don’t get a paycheck unless you’re popular. Name me one writer or artist who ever achieved fame and fortune through controversy surrounding his/her offensive work. Can’t think of one can you? That’s because all the great masters in any field know the secret to being successful is sticking with the status quo and not upsetting anyone. So, you’re better off just censoring yourself, conforming to the masses, and comprimising your creative vision for a few extra bucks. Ruffling feathers doesn’t make the hens lay eggs. Great adage, huh? I just wrote it myself. It’s brilliant, I know. That’s why I am the teacher, and you are the student. Never forget it.

So…censoring. Why do it? Well, there are some offensive phrases that you’re better off leaving out of a sentence so as not to upset the reader. For example, consider the sentence:

“Excuse me for a moment,” said Jillian, “I’m going to go pee in the toilet, you whore-slut.”

The phrase to censor here is “in the toilet.” Your audience will probably assume this. And they will be upset at you, the writer, for thinking they wouldn’t. “Of course she’ll pee in the toilet, you clod,” they’ll exclaim. “Where else would she pee? You idiot! I hate your writing! I think I’d rather read Atlas Shrugged!”

Readers can be harsh. But the problem is easily solved, just censor out the unwanted phrase. In this case you would simply write:

“Excuse me for a moment,” said Jillian. “I’m going to go pee, you whore-slut.”

Problem solved, the sentence is now non-offensive. Here’s another example, try to see if you can spot the phrase that can be censored:

“Au revoir, asshole! Why don’t you get your head out your ass and shut the hell up!” commented Joe.

That’s right, the unnecessary phrase is “au revoir.” It’s French, and if it’s one thing all readers hate, it’s the French. Even French readers don’t like to read French. So we just censor it right out. The sentence will be much better off without it. Witness:

“Asshole! Why don’t you get your head out your ass and shut the hell up, bitch!” commented Joe.

See? We even had room now to add in “bitch” at the end! Oh, the wonders of censoring!

Now, it’s sometimes also the case that you can remove whole sentences from paragraphs. That’s right, sometimes a sentence is better left off the page. Let’s take a look at this example from a book entitled Winky, Why One Man Remained Alone:

Winky waited for Delilah to return. For seventeen years, Delilah never so much as made a damn phone call to the house because she was a smelly buttface. God damn her and all her assheaded idiotic skanky shenanigans. Delilah was clearly a whore-slut, a two bit ho-banger. Winky never got over this damaging abandonment. He would remain alone for the rest of his life because of it.

So what should we censor? Well, think about it like this: when you were reading the passage, which sentences made that little voice in your head called Your Better Judgement stop and say, “Hey, this is wrong.” Thought about it? Got it? Know which ones to censor?

Yup, that’s right, all those silly sentences involving Winky. The paragraph is better written as:

For seventeen friggin’ years, Delilah never so much as made a damn phone call to the house because she was a friggin’ smelly buttface. God friggin’ damn her and all her friggin’ assheaded idiotic friggin’ skanky shenanigans. Delilah was clearly a friggin’ whore-slut, two bit ho-banger.

Oh mama! Now that is one tight paragraph! That reads like a bestseller! We cut out all that tripe about Winky, and the paragraph just opened up a lot, huh? And see how we got a chance to use a great modifier: “friggin’.”

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking. What about the title of the book, Winky, Why One Man Remained Alone? We just censored all of Winky and why he remained alone. So what’s to be done about that title? No problem. We just censor it! Some possibilites are:

One Friggin’ Man
Friggin’ Alone
Friggin’ Why
or
Delilah the Whore-slut

Wow! Those are some great titles! Somebody better call that New York Post bestseller list! (Note: When you think of four great titles for one book like we just have, you really should just write three more books, so as not to waste any of these great titles.)

So there. You now know why censoring is so important, and you have the skills to make it happen. So get out there, and friggin’ get writing unless you are the whore-slut Ayn Rand!

Porter