CHRISTIAN
Hello, Z104? We’d like to request “Intangible” by Jumpstart Malady because-
BOBBY
(grabs phone) Because it’s the strongest second track on any of their albums that feature Peter Weld doing harmony backing vocals!
CHRISTIAN
(holds hand over phone) Bobby, it’s the only second track with Peter harmonizing!
BOBBY
Shh! Ha, I know!
CHRISTIAN
You’re terrible! (grabs phone) Jumpstart Malady is the best! Everything they’ve ever done is classic!
BOBBY
(grabs phone) Totally! Except the live album.
CHRISTIAN
Yeah. Except the live album.
BOBBY
And “Enter Distopia.”
CHRISTIAN
Yeah, that was a crapfest.
BOBBY
Oh, totally.
CHRISTIAN
(grabs phone) Anyway, Malady’s the best, and we can’t wait until February 19th when they come to Libertyville!
BOBBY
(grabs phone) Even though their current live setlist lacks energy in the second half! Rock music!
CHRISTIAN
(grabs phone) Rock music! (hangs up phone)
BOBBY
You know the concert’s in the Carsondome, right?
CHRISTIAN
I know. Gah! If we learned anything from the “Battleaxe Grammatica” tour, it’s that their concerts suck unless they’re in small venues!
BOBBY
I know!
CHRISTIAN
The won’t be able to hear their monitors! Kevin will be totally off-key!
BOBBY
I know!
CHRISTIAN
And stadium acoustics will wreak havoc on Perry’s basslines!
BOBBY
I know!
CHRISTIAN
Did you preorder tickets yet?
BOBBY
Christian!?!! Front row!
CHRISTIAN
Next to the left speaker?
BOBBY
“Uh, hi, CNN? Yeah, news flash, apparently there’s some way to see a Jumpstart Malady concert other than front row, left speaker.” Of course, dude.
CHRISTIAN
Rock music, dude. Rock music. I’m totally bringing my sign.
(gets out a piece of posterboard which reads “Malady ROCKS” on one side and “Turn the syballance on the rhythm guitar back up to 6!” on the other)
CHRISTIAN
You know, because they always forget right after they play “Cruel Days” to open the second half of the show.
BOBBY
Totally. Good call. Dude! Did you see the cover of the new single yet?
CHRISTIAN
Oh God, it’s amazing.
BOBBY
They look all badass!
CHRISTIAN
Kevin is finally holding his whole guitar in frame!
BOBBY
I know! Of course… it was a mistake to use that shade of green.
CHRISTIAN
Yes. This is a fact. Hey. Did you see… (gets out a printout) this?
BOBBY
Is this the new Entertainment Weekly blurb? This came out? I thought it was slated for March release?
CHRISTIAN
Got it off the message boards, dude. Listen to this quote from Kevin: “Sure, MTV’s great; we love doing stuff there. It’s a big thrill for us, playing for some fresh ears.”
BOBBY
He’s totally ironically bashing MTV!
CHRISTIAN
I know!
BOBBY
That’s totally hilarious!
CHRISTIAN
I know!
BOBBY
I love Kevin! He is too perfect!
CHRISTIAN
I know!
BOBBY
His last sentence has a dangling participle.
CHRISTIAN
I know. Classic Kevin, he’s a moron, participle dangling is his total M.O. It’s like how his pronouns are, like, three miles away from his antecedents.
BOBBY
I know; he’s like a child, like a child with a severe learning disability and no motivated elementary school teacher to recognize it. Hey, the basic layout of picture looks just like The Signed Poster!
CHRISTIAN
Yeah.
BOBBY
You’re so lucky.
CHRISTIAN
It’s their best poster.
BOBBY
It’s gonna be worth millions.
CHRISTIAN
It is the best band in the world’s best poster signed by the best lineup they ever had. It is as though God himself came down to Earth and touched a piece of paper, and this is what happened.
BOBBY
Yeah. (sigh) Gordon has terrible handwriting.
CHRISTIAN
He’s like a four-year-old with carpal tunnal. Dude, remember after the concert in ’97 in Wayne, and we stayed after the show, and you were all crazy, and they totally walked by us when they were leaving, and you were all, “Gordon Cranwick rules!” And he goes…
BOTH OF THEM
“Thanks, man.” (They sigh and collapse on the bed.)
CHRISTIAN
Jumpstart Malady.
BOBBY
They complete me.
CHRISTIAN
If I were a woman, I would want to sleep with each of them.
BOBBY
Totally. I’d want to totally sleep with all them of them at once, while listening to “Sandstorm”…
CHRISTIAN
Oh, well, yeah.
BOBBY
And right at the moment when we’d all simulaneously reach climax, I’d scream, “Jumpstart Malady is the end-all, be-all of modern rock and roll! But your strongest songs are when you deviate from a simple verse-chorus-solo structure, so embrace that instead of running from it!”
CHRISTIAN
Oh, that is so hot.
BOBBY
Totally.
(They both sigh.)
BOBBY
Let’s call the radio station and request “Intangible” again!
CHRISTIAN
Rock music, dude.
BOBBY
Rock music.
