OK, people, today we have an Internet exclusive. We have a transcript of the most shocking celebrity sex tape since The Paris Hilton Sex Tape. We have… The Porter Mason/Paris Hilton Sex Tape, or more simply… The Other Paris Hilton Sex Tape, or more simply yet… Sex On A Tape.
Yes, sir, it’s sex, sex, sex on a tape, tape, tape, and you can only find it here… at T.J. Sex Monkey’s.
Note to Parents: this stuff is hot, hot, hot, and I know families often gather ’round the computer screen and read T.J. Monkey’s together, but for today’s Thought, have the kiddies go in the other room and play with their pet rocks and hula hoops, so you can take in all the steamy, saucy, luscious Mason/Hilton sex action all by your lonesome!
OK, enough sex talk, more sex tapes! Here it is, folks:
We see what looks like shaky, unedited handicam footage of what appears to be a hotel room. A timestamp is in the lower right corner, and the “night vision” option is on which allows us to make out two figures, a man and a woman, on a bed in the dim light.
The man is T.J. Monkey’s celebrity Porter Mason. The woman is Hilton hotels heiress Paris Hilton. They are fully clothed, and are holding UNO cards. There is both a discard and a draw pile between them.
They play UNO in silence for forty-five minutes. In the background we hear the TV blaring; it is a rerun of comedian Kathleen Madigan’s HBO special from the 90′s.
During a particurly long span of time in which Hilton is apparently deliberating her next move, Mason scratches his neck and steals a glance at Hilton’s cleavage.
“Hey,” stumbles Mason. “Heh, it’s, heh, sort of hard to play UNO in the dark, huh?”
“No,” responds Hilton sharply. “I’m doing fine.”
Fifteen minutes pass. More UNO cards fly. More glances at cleavage. “Rudy,” starring Sean Astin, is now on the TV.
“Hey,” mumbles Mason. “I bet it’s, you know, I mean, I bet it’s tough, being on, like, magazines and the tv and what-not, all… all the time, heh. I bet, right?”
“Nope,” snaps Hilton. “Uno.”
“Yeah, that’s what– Wait, what?” asks a puzzled Mason. “Oh! Oh, shit, my last card. Yeah, heh, I always forget that. Dammit. Every time I play UNO. That, heh, that always happens.”
They sit in silence for three more minutes, as Mason gathers the cards, orders them, and puts them back in their box. Hilton watches “Rudy”, smiling occasionally when she recognizes that one character is played by a young Vince Vaughn. Mason stands.
“OK,” bumbles Mason. “Well… that is it, heh, heh. I guess… I guess I’ll go.”
“Fine.”
Mason looks at the door. Then down to his cards. Then over at Hilton. Then at her cleavage. He looks up to her face to see that she has caught him ogling her.
“Anything I can help you with?” asks Hilton icily.
“Oh, no, heh… no,” lumbers Mason. “I… no, heh. I’ll just… go.”
“Great.”
Hilton lights a cigarette. Mason walks to the door and opens it. Then turns around.
“Hey, ever have the sex?” says Mason.
“Yes,” says Hilton.
“Yeah, heh, me, too.”
A pause. And one last look at her cleavage.
“OK, well…. Seeya!”
Whoa! And there it is, folks! Porter Mason! Paris Hilton! And a tape where sex is mentioned at some point! If I may be so bold, I think it’s the sexiest sex tape that ever sexed a tape! Wow! I mean, the only thing that could have made it sex tape-ier is if maybe one of them actually had sex with a tape!
Phew! They were like animals there! All that dim lighting! And that “Rudy” reference! Whoooooa, mama! I, I mean, I’ve got to sit down here for a second! Stayed tuned to T.J. Sex Monkey’s for more hot, hot, sexy, sexy Internet exclusives like this!
And remember, people: sex!
Porter
