Monthly Archives November 2003

On a Penny for Your Thoughts

Posted on November 18, 2003 by Porter Mason

Two men, Alan and Jack, sit on a park bench that sits in the middle of the mighty Mojave Desert. Their clothes are tattered; their hair, overgrown; their lips, chapped and bloody.

“Penny for your thoughts, Alan,” says Jack.

Alan looks up from the ground slowly, and glares at Jack for several seconds.

“Well, Jack,” says Alan. “I guess I was justing thinking about how much effing time I waste answering your inane, pointless questions, you insignificant… worthless piece of human filth.”

There is a pause. Alan picks up a canteen that sits by their feet, turns it over, shakes it, then throws it.

“So?” says Alan.

“What”? says Jack.

“So where’s my penny, dick?” says Alan.

Jack uncomfortably laughs softly and shrugs his shoulders.

“I… heh… I was just… heh,” offers Jack.

“Pff, just, Jack, just… shut the hell up. All right? …dick,” says Alan. He kicks a rock.

Nights falls, a lonely coyote howls, and the mighty Mojave begins another restless night.

Porter

On the Worst Bank Robbers Ever

Posted on November 21, 2003 by Porter Mason

PHILLIP, JEFFREY, AND TIMOTHY
Phew!!

PHILLIP
You know, I think we might be the worst bank robbers EVER.

JEFFREY
Don’t say that! Look, at least we’re here at our hideout and NO ONE knows the address.

PHILLIP
Yeah!

(Pause)

TIMOTHY
Uh, guys?

JEFFREY
What?

TIMOTHY
I sort of gave the address to a few people.

PHILLIP
What?!?! Timothy, who?

TIMOTHY
I gave it to all the bank tellers at the bank that we robbed.

JEFFREY AND PHILLIP
GagagaGOOEY!

PHILLIP
Why would you do that?!?!

TIMOTHY
I just thought, you know, if they got any more money later, they could then send it to us, you know, and they’d need our address!

PHILLIP
But now they can find us and arrest us! What were you THINKING?!?!

TIMOTHY
I WASN’T thinking, I wasn’t….

JEFFREY
Well, look, they don’t know what they looked like, we never took our masks off in front of the security cameras!

TIMOTHY
Well, that’s true.

(Pause)

PHILLIP
Um…guys? (pause) I sort of took my mask off and looked directly at all the cameras.

TIMOTHY AND JEFFREY
FafafaFOOEY!

JEFFREY
All of them? Why?

PHILLIP
I wanted to get a better look at them, I thought maybe one of ‘em was a money dispenser!

TIMOTHY
Phillip! Cameras don’t got money in ‘em!

PHILLIP
Well, where were you two hours ago?

TIMOTHY
I’ll tell you where I was, I was giving our address to the very people who want to find us and take our money. Oh baby! Hey, speaking of which, where’s the big bag where we put all the money?

PHILLIP (overlapping)
The big bag that has all the money that has the sign on it that says “Big Bag Of Money We Stole” and our names and photos and address on it? That bag?

TIMOTHY (overlapping)
Yeah, that’s the bag, where is that bag?

PHILLIP
I didn’t have it, Jeffrey had it.

TIMOTHY
Jeffrey?

(Pause)

JEFFREY
Guys, I HAVE it. Don’t worry.

PHILLIP
PHEW!!! Because I mean if we don’t have the money, it’s really a total failure, this whole bank robbery.

TIMOTHY
Yeah, if we don’t have the money, we can’t donate it to all those orphans down at the orphanage, if we didn’t have the money.

JEFFREY
Well, we have it, so don’t worry. It’s sitting outside on the street.

PHILLIP AND TIMOTHY
On the STREET!?!?! ZAZAZAZOOEY!!

JEFFREY
What?

PHILLIP
Jeffrey, if it’s just sitting there, someone will steal it!

JEFFREY
Oh, no! You’re right!

TIMOTHY
What were you THINKING?

JEFFREY
I just figured, you know how I’m always getting my pocket picked?

PHILLIP
You’re ALWAYS getting your pocket picked.

JEFFREY
I know, so I figured, the money would be safer if it wasn’t on me, so as we were running over, I just left it on the street, out in the open, our bag of money on it with that sign onn it that says “Big Bag…of…Money…We Stole.” I figured…that would be safer.

TIMOTHY
You figured REALLY wrong!

PHILLIP
What are we gonna tell Sister Mary Francis!

TIMOTHY
(sigh) Bye bye money….

PHILLIP
Bye bye orphanage….

JEFFREY
Look, guys, we better just get OUT of here.

TIMOTHY
Yeah, let’s just get in that getaway car.

PHILLIP
Yeah, let’s just get in the getaway car and get OUT of here.

ALL
PHEW!

(They all calmly walk toward the door, then jump around and look at each other.)

ALL
WE SET FIRE TO THE GETAWAY CAR!!! GAGAGAGOOEY!!!

Porter, Flynn, and Bret

On the Day After Thanksgiving

Posted on November 25, 2003 by Porter Mason

You know, The Day After Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year.

Well, actually, let’s be honest… it’s the fattest shopping day of the year. But people just like to be polite and say, “big.”

(sigh) You know, it’s fine for people to be polite, but I just worry no one’s telling The Day After Thanksgiving the truth, and we’re all going to wake up one day, and The Day After Thanksgiving will be dead of a heart attack, and we’ll just have this big hole in the calendar, and no clear beginning to the Christmas retail season, and we’ll have no one to blame but ourselves.

The scary thing is, The Day After Thanksgiving has been fat its whole life, which makes its risk of heart disease astronomical. It was always a chubby kid and always self-conscious about its weight. Then, the cycle began: it was sad because it was fat, and it ate when it was sad. The Day After Thanksgiving’s mom recognized there was a problem; she always encouraged the kid to play soccer, but all it wanted to do was sit on its duff, play video games, and serve as a major American economic indicator.

So, it’s the fattest shopping day of the year in a couple days, and it’s only getting fatter. Which is not to say there aren’t other shopping days with real body issues, too. I mean, The Saturday Before Christmas can’t fit into its tux from college either. But at least The Saturday Before Christmas is aware of its weight; it’s taking a Pilates class; it’s making an effort. The Day After Thanksgiving just wears black a lot, trying to hid its figure, never facing the facts. That’s where it gets that nickname, “Black Friday.” Yeah, more like, “Deluded Friday,” if you ask me. Or “Kidding Itself Friday.” Or “On It’s Way To An Early Grave If It Doesn’t Watch Out Friday!” I’m sorry, I should stop with that. It just breaks my heart to see a shopping day I love so much… be like this.

Anyway, go out and gather ye bargains while ye may, I suppose. Enjoy The Day After Thanksgiving. Buy, buy, buy. Shop, shop, shop. Consume, consume, consume.

But on the way out of the mall, when you’re carrying all your packages to your car, ready to head back to your suburban picket-fenced home, tired from a long day of spending, and The Day After Thanksgiving asks if it could have a dollar or two to go get a Cinnabon or a big cookie or a footlong from Nathan’s with chili and cheese… show some restraint. Say no. And buy it a chicken caeser salad instead.

The Day After Thanksgiving may pout, it may whine, but in the long run, it’ll thank you. Because The Day After Thanksgiving is the most massive annual infusion of money into the American economy, but that doesn’t mean it has to look like it.

Porter