Monthly Archives October 2003

On Peter Piper Picking a Peck of Pickled Peppers

Posted on October 5, 2003 by Porter Mason

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Sadly, because of a an ill-timed price drop by a competing Japanese organic grower, Peter never sold a single pepper. His agricultural business suffered an insurmountable loss, and he declared bankruptcy soon afterwards. The peppers rotted in a warehouse in Des Moines, and Peter took a janitorial job at a local software company. Abandoned by his wife, he had no friends and took no lovers, as there wasn’t a single woman or man who wanted to get near his hideous brine-soaked hands.

And so Peter Piper died a poor, bitter, lonely, and yet extremely alliterative man.

He is survived by his estranged wife, who currently sells seashells by the seashore.

Porter

On Drinking a Whole Glass of Rat Poison

Posted on October 8, 2003 by Porter Mason

A man would have to ingest an entire glass of rat poison to die from it. That seems almost impossible. It’s not. Here is how that very thing could happen:

Hey, who left this out here on the table? This glass, I mean? There’s just a full glass of something here on this table. Well, anyway, if no one’s going to claim it, I’m real thirsty, so I’m gonna… you know, “down the hatch”, heh.

(gulp)

BLEARGH! That was really terrible! I mean really awful! Good Lord! Blah! Wait, is this-… is this rat poison? Did I just drink a sip of rat poison? Is that why this glass is sitting out here next to this open package of rat poison? I can’t believe this. Seriously? This is rat poison? Did I really drink rat poison? I don’t really believe that was rat poison. I’m having another sip, just to prove it to myself.

(gulp)

SWEET JESUS! Bleagh! That is definitely rat poison! Someone definitely poured out a glass of rat poison (why they would do this, I have no idea), and I just drank it two sips of it! Good God. Oh my Lord that is a terrible taste. It tastes like burning chemicals or some sort of evil foul horsradish. Oh Lord. My God. I’ve got to get this taste out of my mouth. I need to drink something, anything, to get this horrible taste out of my mouth. Oh, thank God, here’s a glass of something.

(gulp)

OH SWEET LORD ABOVE ME! That was the rat poison glass! Gleeargh! Ptfuie! My God. I was so desparate to drink something I completely forgot this was the glass with the rat poison, so now I have the taste even more in my mouth. It’s like a sort of acidic bolt of lightning right in my stomach and mouth and cheeks and neck and I think some of it got in my eyes, too. Actually, definitely, I definitely got some in my eyes because things are really blurry now. So the poison is either affecting my eyes or I got some in them directly. Or it’s possible I dropped my contacts. Actually, I think I see one, a contact lens. Right there on the bottom left side of that glass of rat poison. Let me just lift the glass up to my eyes to see it. I’ll just rest it on my mouth to hold it steady. And now I’ll tilt the end of the glass closer to my eyes to better see the–

(gulp)

BAH BAH BAH BAAAAAH! Thptuie! Oh my dear sweet Lord! Blech. Blah. I ended up drinking more rat poison! Oh my Lord Lord Lord. That did not go as planned, and I still didn’t find my contact. I do not feel well. I feel sort of woozy. This rat poison is really screwing up my system. I better sit down here. Just get my wits together. Now. What just happened here? Where am I? OK, I’m in David’s house. Right. And I don’t feel well. B’ooh. Jesus. I really feel terrible. Why do I feel like this again? I wanna say it’s because I… drank rat poison? That seems stupid. Why would I drink rat posion? I wanna say it’s because I’ve drank now a good four fifths of a glass of rat poison. But that just seems implausible. I need to get my head together and figure out what really happened here. I need to just take a Tylenol, clear my head, get some sleep, and figure out what happened. Let me just take this Tylenol and–… oh, here we go, here’s some water. A couple of Tylenols, and we will be back in business.

(gulp)

OH MY LORD JESUS I WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY EARLIER I SHOULD NEVER DOUBT MYSELF LIKE THAT WOW! Gah. Definitely rat poison. And as I recall I’ve drank almost this whole glass, as it was totally full when I got in here, as I seem to remember, and I’m not doubting my instincts anymore. Wow. I drank everything in this glass full of rat posion except this one sip. Seems… almost… I mean, seems like I may as well… it just seems silly to… I mean no one ever called me a quitter. And what kind of a story is it to say, “You know, once I drank almost an entire glass of rat poison?” That’s no kind of story. I’m… Jesus Lord, I’m drinking this rat poison.

(gulp)

GOD! Yeah! Yeah! Who’s the fuckin’ man?! Ha ha! I just drank a glass full of rat poison! Ha ha! Just wait till I tell David I drank a glass full of his rat poison. That dude will flip. Heh. Unless I die. Whoa. Holy shit. Am I going to die from this? Jesus. Wait, nah, I’m not gonna die. I decided to drink that last sip of rat poison, so I must’ve thought I wouldn’t die. And what did I learn before? To never doubt myself. This guy ain’t dying. This guy is gonna live forever. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha– whoa… BLEAEARGHPTFUIBLEAUGHTHHHPPPPBBBHTTTRRRRRGH!

(dies)

Now what is the moral here? Well there are two. The first of which is:

Never doubt your instincts, unless you are a huge tool that does things like drink rat poison accidentally. Then, you might wanna doubt your instincts all the time.

And secondly, and we can’t stress this enough:

Do not drink anything you think might at all possible be rat poison (or any kind of poison, moron).

Thank you.

Porter

On Following Your Heart

Posted on October 10, 2003 by Porter Mason

When I’m faced with a difficult decision, and I’m not sure what to do, I always just follow my heart. When it comes down to it, my heart always knows what’s really best for me, you know?

Of course, you might wonder, “Oh yeah? You follow your heart? You just do whatever your heart tells you? What if your heart jumped off a bridge? Would you do that, too? Jackass.”

Well, when it comes down to it, you know, I’ve got to trust my heart no matter what. And I’ve got to believe that somehow, some way, there’d be a good reason for jumping off that bridge. And sometimes the best thing to do in the long run might involve doing some things in the short run that seem unpalatable.

So if my heart jumped off a bridge, I guess I would jump after it. And why? Because that’s how much I trust my heart.

And also because humans can only survive for roughly thirty seconds without a heart pumping blood to their brain, so it’d be like, “Whoa! I’m gonna die soon! Heart: get back in here!”

Porter

P.S. Next time you wonder something, don’t call me jackass. Jackasses.