On Being From Virginia Beach

Virginia Beach, Virginia, is my hometown.

As such, I get really excited whenever it’s mentioned.

I don’t know why. I don’t have really city pride. I mean, it’s a fine place to live; I have no huge complaints. Of course, I don’t live there now, so I obviously don’t love it that much.

But when those two words are uttered, I just…I just have this immense urge to shout my heritage to whoever’s within earshot.

And it doesn’t matter how it’s being mentioned. It can be a TV show, the newspaper, it can even just be shown on a map on the damn Weather Channel. It doesn’t have to be a positive story. It doesn’t have to be an appropriate moment. I hear the words, and I just can’t control my face.

<<The new year is being celebrated all across the country, Jim. We’re here at Nick’s Seafood in Virginia Beach, and-> >
“Woooo! Hey, Virginia Beach! I’m from Virginia Beach!”

<<And topping the list this year of America’s most corrupt city goverments: Virginia Beach, Virginia.>>
“Woooo! Hey, Virginia Beach! I’m from Virginia Beach!”

“Wow, look at all that devastation. Those houses are just being torn apart by that hurricane.”
“Hey! That’s Virginia Beach! I’m from Virginia Beach! Yeah!”
“Oh. Wow, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? This is awesome! That huge tidal wave they’re showing, I used to play little league near there!”

(a singer is in the middle of a really sad slow song at a concert, the crowd is captivated and silent)
“Marilyn cried
and I looked down
I turned away eventually
Virginia Beach was calling me”
“HEY!!! YEAH!!! VIRGINIA BEACH!!! YEAH!!!”
(singer is thrown off, concert canceled, I am beaten to death by angry fans)

<<And so Jackson Haughton, who authorities believe is the man behind the “Syntax Murders”, is believed to have grown up in the coastal town of Virginia Beach, Virginia.>>
“Woooo! Hey, Virginia Beach!”
(the murder victim’s family turns to me in shock)
“He… he killed our son.”
“Oh. I… I know, it’s just… I’m from there.”
“So? Our son is dead.”
“Yeah, I… Virginia… (cough) Virginia Beach. Sorry.”

<<America is under heavy attack from all sides, and is seems nuclear war with North Korea is no longer a faroff doomsday scenario. Missiles could be in the air as early as next week, say officials at Oceana Naval Air Station in Virginia Beach, Virginia.>>
“Mmmph!” (Porter takes off gas mask) “Woooo! Hey, Virginia Beach!”
(rest of radiation bunker stares at me blankly)
(puts back on gas mask) “Vrhmmphpha Phee.”

(I’m home for the holidays and turn on the local news)
<<Welcome to Virginia Beach News at 10, here at FOX5, Virginia Beach’s top-rated news station, we now go to Virginia Beach’s own Barbara Ciara reporting live from the Virginia Beach Oceanfront.> >
“Woooo! Hey, Virginia Beach Virginia Beach Virginia Beach… VIRGINIA BEACH! I’m- I’m- I’m-” (passes out)

So be proud, Virginia Beach: you’ve made a fan of me. I don’t know if it was the surf shops, the cops on bikes, or the strip clubs by the Naval base. If it was Lynnhaven Mall, Cox High School, or the landfill-made-park, Mount Trashmore. Or, hey, maybe it was the willowy dunes, the light smell of salt in the mild Spring air, or the constant din of fighter jets screaming overhead. Whatever it is, Virginia Beach, you win. I lay down my arms. I will awkwardly blurt out your name forever more.

Porter

Hey, I know there’s not normally text here, but this whole damn Thought is about Virginia Beach! And I’m from there! Yeah!

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