I just lost five seconds of my life. I’ll never get it back. It’s gone.
I was in my room, about to go to bed. I had two tasks I needed to accomplish. I needed to take off my pants, and I needed to turn out the light in the foyer. I just spent the last five seconds in thought… deep thought… over which to do first.
I stood motionless in my room, weighing the pros and cons of Pants v. Light. “Well, if I take the pants off first, then I’ll have no pants on in the foyer. Is that an issue? Now, but if I turn the foyer light off first, I’ll have to get back to my room in total darkness; will pants help or hinder me in that situation?” Things like this ran through my head as my life literally was put on hold. And at the end of the five seconds, do you know what my conclusion was? It’s a conclusion I reach often, it’s:
IT DOESN’T EFFIN’ MATTER, YOU AMAZING MORON, JUST MAKE A STUPID DECISION.
Why do I do this? Yeah, it’s just five seconds this time, but this is symptomatic of a much bigger problem. I’m sure I’ve wasted hours upon hours of my life debating things that are of virtually no consequence. And why? Simply because I want to choose the best option always. And sometimes, especially with decisions that are of little or no consequence, there is no best option. They’re all the same. So who cares? WHO EFFIN’ CARES?
My brain, that’s who.
- Some more about me:
- When walking somewhere, I will spend minutes and minutes discerning the best possible route, imagining complex maps and grids and hypotenuses in my head, usually spending longer deliberating than actually walking.
- While watching something on TV, a commercial will come on, and I will spend so long thinking about how to best use this time (by channel-surfing, eating, walking around, etc.) that the commercial break will end.
- Once, in trying to figure out in what sequence I should remove my bookbag, open my mail, and urinate, I essentially peed my pants.
Am I just some sad robot? Must every decision be the best decision? Much each option always be ecruciatingly weighed? And furthermore, must all my other processes just shut down while I do so? Because seriously, I’m worried. I’m worried I’ll be out on the street with my wallet in my hand, when I will be hit with the tough decision of “Should I put my wallet back in my pocket before or after I put my jacket on?” I will stand there, flabbergasted by this deep philosophical question, and a passerby will just take my wallet. And I don’t mean a criminal. I mean, someone who had never considered stealing, but who saw me there, my wallet in my extended hand, and just thought, “I… I gotta take it, its… just sitting there.” My stupidity will inspire people to take up crime. And if he/she were caught, and the story of the theft explained, I’m sure the judge would side with him/her. Because judges know how to make decisions, by God.
Can’t I just be carefree? Can’t I just take life as it comes? No. No, I can’t. I am a sad robot. A sad robot who will not be reprogrammed. I will continue to take time to wonder, “Should I put on the left or right shoe first?” To ask bravely, “Should this next bite of pizza be from the crust or the cheese?” To stare myself in the face every day and say proudly, “Should I brush my teeth first or shower, Porter? What variables affect this decision and how are they shaking down on this beautiful morning?”
And I guess that’ll just have to be effin’ fine with me.
Note: As of the submission of this Thought, Porter still remains in his bedroom with his pants on and the foyer light shining brightly. Any suggestions are welcome.
