I just lost five seconds of my life. I’ll never get it back. It’s gone. I was in my room, about to go to bed. I had two tasks I needed to accomplish. I needed to take off my pants, and I needed to turn out the light in the ... More »

(DONNA is in a wedding dress, her train is being afixed and there are people around, doing various primping things for her. GREG rushes in.) GREG Hi! Hello, Donna, is it? DONNA Ah…yes. And you are? GREG I’m Greg. Greg Anderson. Hi. (they shake hands) DONNA Hi…Greg. Look, ... More »

Life is what you make of it, they say. Well, then, my life is a dog. My life is also a hat. And a sword. And a boat. And another, different-looking, dog. And an abstract shape that looks sort of like a bird. Because lucky for me, my ... More »

Oh, man, I am BEAT. That was just a helluva workout, Jesus. I tell you, people who tell you hot dog eating contests are just jokes, just carnival stuff, phew, you tell ‘em to come down to Coney Island on July 23rd! You think those aren’t twenty-five of America’s finest ATH-letes out there, ... More »

The scene was this: I sat in a diner with Flynn two weeks ago, discussing the merits of the Lord Of The Rings Special Edition DVD. When about three tables away, a young lady began to pound the table and moan in ecstasy. “Zing, Flynn. We’ve been zinged,” I said. “What?” ... More »