Monthly Archives July 2002

Once upon a time there was a man in a faraway candy-filled Village who needed a quick and efficient way to get to where he worked. He worked in a bustling candy-filled City that was about thirty minutes away if there was no candy-filled Traffic. Sadly, there was often candy-filled Traffic, and the trip usually took more like fifty or even sixty minutes.

“What to do, what to do…” bemoaned the man. He bemoaned and he bemoaned and he bemoaned some more. He bemoaned so much that his wife asked him to leave the living room as his bemoaning was interrupting her Cable Television Program, “Nigel’s Wild World.” So he walked out onto their screened-in porch where he was all alone except the bright shiny Moon. And he bemoaned some more.

“Oh Moon: my commute is a bear,” said the man. “I just don’t know how much longer I can take it, living in this tiny Village and working in that bustling City.”

“But you save so much money living way out there,” bellowed the Moon. “Probably about $600 a month. That’s serious.”

“Oh yes, yes. But what of my happiness?” said the man. “Is that worth $600 a month?” And they both agreed it probably was. And the man went off to bed, leaving the Moon to bemoan alone. And as the hot sweaty Sun came to rise the next morning, it noticed the bright shiny Moon was not so bright and shiny. The Moon told the Sun of the man’s commute.

“That is a pickle,” said the Sun. And when the Sun set that afternoon, the Horizon noticed it was not so hot and sweaty. The Sun told the Horizon of the man’s commute.

“Golly. What a real situation that is,” said the Horizon. And when, later the next day, Two Cowboys rode off into the Horizon, they noticed it wasn’t as far off as usual. And the Horizon told the Two Cowboys of the man’s commute.

“Boy howdy, that’s just a mess,” said the Two Cowboys. And they told their Wives of the problems. And the Cowboys’ Wives told their Brothers. And the Cowboys’ Wives’ Brothers told their College Buddies. And the Cowboys’ Wives’ Brothers’ College Buddies told their Racquetball Partners. And the Cowboys’ Wives’ Brothers’ College Buddies’ Racquetball Partners said, “Wait.”

“Why doesn’t he just take Mass Transit?” they said. “He’ll always get to work quicker. And he won’t ever have to deal with Traffic. Even candy-filled Traffic.” This information was passed back through the Chain of People/Astronomical Bodies Mentioned Earlier (often sheepishly, as each link in the chain was embarrassed that they had not thought of this simple solution, but we can’t all be so smart because if we were, the Racquetball Courts would be constantly overbooked).

And so the man started taking Mass Transit. And he left his tiny candy-filled Village every day at 8:30 am and got to the bustling candy-filled City every day at 9:00 am. And this went on every day for six months.

And every day, for six months, at about 9:06 am, the man related to his tired and uninterested Coworker how he’d gotten to work via mass transit. He told his Coworker how the trip was “so affordable, especially with the monthly pass.” And how he’s been saving “oh, gosh, at least 20, 25 minutes a day minimum. And that’s just free time I get back, you know?” And that he “thinks it’s even helped my health because, you know, now I’m walking those two blocks each morning, and it doesn’t seem like much but guess how much weight I’ve lost since January?” The Coworker didn’t know. The man implored the coworker, “C’mon: just guess.” The Coworker assured the man he didn’t know. “C’mon,” insisted the man. The Coworker guessed five pounds and sighed. “Ten! Can you believe it? Ten pounds!” exclaimed the man. The Coworker could believe it, but he said he couldn’t.

And so the brilliant but wordy Coworker went home to his apartment and wrote a Comedic Essay about the man’s newfound fascination with Mass Transit. And he published his Comedic Essay on plucky low-traffic Comedic Website. And the People of the World loved and enjoyed the Comedic Essay. And so did the Moon (who really just enjoyed anything that called it “bright and shiny”). And so did the Sun (who resented the “sweaty” comment but recognized that it rang true). And so did the Cowboys and the Wives, and the College Buddies and the Racquetball Partners. Even the man’s Wife liked the essay (who was particularly happy that Discovery Channel programming was mentioned and repeatedly told the Coworker later that she “got the reference”). In fact, the only one in the whole World who seemed to be offended was the man himself who didn’t think he had “mentioned the mass transit thing all that much; I mean, Jesus, bite my head off why don’t ya.”

And so the man, as was his wont, bemoaned and bemoaned to the Coworker. And the Coworker sighed.

And told him to stick it up his candy-filled Ass.

The End.

Porter