You know, you learn a lot about people running a big tough Internet comedy site like T.J. Monkey’s. You learn about their wants. You learn about their needs. You learn about their search queries.
Yes, that’s right: it’s time once again to examine how people find T.J. Monkey’s through search engines, and then shamelessly alter the site to sate our readers’ unique thirsts. Today, we look at the most popular search phrases that result in hits for T.J. Monkey’s.
Many questions come to mind: Is “badass cars” still champion? Has a new search query taken the lead? Is there perhaps more than one new leader? Are there perhaps four? Is there maybe some way we could create a page to cover all four of these new search?
No, yes, yes, yes, and yes.
The top five search keywords that reult in hits on T.J. Monkey’s are:
- “naked guys” (On Naked Guys at the Gym)
- “rivers cuomo” (On Rivers Cuomo)
- “meaning of thanksgiving” (Holiday Corner: The True Meaning of Thanksgiving)
- “violence in movies” (On Violence in Movies)
- “badass cars” (Badass Cars)
Let’s take it from the bottom: “violence in movies.” This one’s interesting in that we’re not even on the first page of results on Google for “violence in movies.” This means there’s a really high volume of people searching for this. Some people, I’m sure, are looking for clips of really violent movies. But I guess also there are a lot of people worried about violent entertainment, and they come online to find websites and discuss how bad it is. It makes sense. People are fed up with the movies having all that violence. They’re tired of being subjected to all the gross displays of blood and guts on the big screen. They want to get away from all that, get back to the simple life. They want to find a medium that’s clean and pure and untainted by all of society’s sickos. So they come to the Internet.
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: We like to see a good disembowelment just as much as the next guy.
Next up: “meaning of thanksgiving.” A lot of people are puzzled by Thanksgiving. They sit, staring at plates of turkey with eyes glazed over, muttering repeatedly, “What does it all mean?” John provides clear answers. It’s as simple as that.
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: Come for the historical perspective, stay for the poop jokes.
Number two: “rivers cuomo.” Well, this isn’t a huge surprise. A lot of people like Weezer And a lot of people who like Weezer know that the lead singer of Weezer is Rivers Cuomo. And a fair cross-section of the people who know that the lead singer of Weezer is Rivers Cuomo are creepy and obsessive about the band (this includes me). And nothing screams “creepy and obsessive” like typing someone’s name into an Internet search engine. Want to be creepy and obsessive about me? Here, try it. So, the strange thing here is that currently, as of the writing of this Thought (12/4/2001), “On Rivers Cuomo,” shows up as the number two result on Google for the search query, “rivers cuomo.” Here, try it. That’s bizarrely high. As I said, there are a lot of creepy and obsessive people who like Weezer, which means there are tons of web pages devoted solely to Weezer minutiae. There’s photo galleries. There’s cartoons. There’s a painstakingly detailed web site devoted solely to the songs Weezer played on tour in the summer of 2000. In addition to all that, the words “Rivers Cuomo” must appear on thousands of well trafficked news and music sites. And yet somehow…we’re number two. Rock music.
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: The Pinkerton of short, comedic, rambling essay sites.
And finally: “naked guys.” Well, Internet users like porn, that’s a well-published fact. This comes as no surprise. The wonderful thing about the peops who end up on T.J. Monkey’s after searching for “naked guys”, is that they stay. On average, a user who comes to the site while searching for “naked guys”, sticks around and views at least five other pages. So there they are, searching for some porn, and they happen upon a comedy essay site, and they say, “You know, I’m gonna hold off on all this self-gratification a bit, so I can read some lovely humor pieces about bears and political science.”
New Slogan: T.J. Monkey’s: We’re funny enough to temporarily stop people from masturbating.
So there you have it. We see that our audience has new needs. New desires. And we need to move with the times. Sure, people will always have a deep love for badass cars. Nothing can ever change that. But now we see there’s a new gap in online entertainment. A gap that needs to be filled. And we’re just the site to do it. Yes, we will soon add a section that will feature a combination of these new top four search queries. Stay tuned, gentle readers, for the new T.J. Monkey’s section, under construction as we speak….
T.J. Monkey’s: Violent Weezer Pilgrim Porn
The future looks bright for us, friends. I just hope we can handle all the traffic this will undoubtedly bring. Huzzah!
