A hair cut, please! I want this hair cut off! It’s been too long since my last cut! Almost six months! My hair is now long, and I want this to change! Take up your scissors, good fellow; take up your electric razor devices and your combs! For today is the day that my hair will be cut off! No, no thank you, I don’t require a shampoo.
Here! Here, take this picture! It is a picture of me from about a year ago! In this picture, my hair is short! My hair, in this picture, is the length I wish it to be now! Use this picture as a guide, my good barber, for it is the amount of hair I desire! Yes, the picture is me at my college graduation! I want you to magically take me back to my graduation! I want to traverse the landscape of space and time using hair as my wormhole! Snip away, noble time traveler! Snip a year off my life!
What’s that? Do I “want the back cut straight across?” Certainly! Certainly, my sweet, sweet barber! Cut the back straight across! Cut it as straight as the day is long! If I die tomorrow, and it’s an open casket funeral, and for some reason my corpse is turned on its stomach, I want people to say, “My! My, look how the back is cut straight across!” Now, I don’t know exactly what it means to have the back cut straight across, but by God, it’s the first option you gave, so you must think it the best! Cut straight, you dresser of hair! Cut straighter than straight! No, no thank you, I won’t need a shave today.
Keep the sideburns? No, no, my good man, no, my sideburns shall go the way of the dodo! My sideburns are a reminder of a time long past! My sideburns bog me down in a life I no longer wish to live! My sideburns may as well be made of lead, you sculptor of scalps, for they weigh on me as a paperweight does a stack of paper! So shave the sides, sir! Shave the sides with a steady hand!
A ha! I can see that the haircut is nearing completion! My neck guard has been loosened! My shoulders are being dusted to remove stray hairs! A mirror is being held up, so that I may view the back! It looks glorious! “Straight across” indeed! I now know what that means! Of course, I shall forget what it means by the time of our next meeting! But such is the nature of man! Is the length all right, you ask? Who knows! It looks fine to me! But I obviously have no real grasp on proper grooming, or I’d've had this wretched fur cut off weeks ago! So, yes! Yes, barber! You king of cowlicks, you monarch of mullets, you leader of the layered bob! The length looks fine! And here is your money! Here is your piece of gold for a job well done! I salute you! I bow to you! You fiddler of follicles! You manipulator of manes! You-
A tip?! Since when are you supposed to tip barbers?! “Since always“? What are…I just gave you eighteen dollars! I just paid you a dollar a minute, and you want more?! Fine! Jesus! Take it! Ya leech! Ya fuckin’ leech on society! Take your money! Jesus! This is why I get my hair cut so damn infrequently! All this extortion! Sleep well tonight, ass!
And no. No thank you. My bikini line needs no wax.
