Monthly Archives August 2001

Oooooo! What’s more fun and scaaaary than…urban legends! Nothing is, as far as I’m concerned. But we’ve had the same urban legends for so long, and now we all know they’re all urban legends anyway, so no one really thinks they’re true. Oh, we all pretend to be frightened by them, but we’re not. Really we’re all terrible actors, in my opinion. Especially you, Steve Kranzyk of Buffalo, N.Y.

So I thought, “Hey! Let’s start some new urban legends! We’ve got the tools to make it happen! We’ve got the know-how! We’ve got the gumption! We’ve got a great deal of time on our hands! (You know it’s true, Steve.)”

So here they are, the new urban legends! After you read ‘em, go out and start telling ‘em to people like they was true! Help save this, our most cherished part of American culture!

• Sewer Beetles – When you catch a beetle in your house and flush it down the toilet rather than squoosh him, it stays alive and becomes…a huge menacing sewer beetle! Oooooo! These sewer beetles stalk the pipes of our urban areas, praying on smaller less menacing beetles. There are rarely any sightings of them, since they are normally eaten by the larger more menacing sewer lizards. Therefore, they rarely get great press. They also have a terrible firm running their P.R. But they are indeed very menacing. Well…at least, to smaller beetles.

• Battlefield Earth – Supposedly, when it was originally written, Battlefield Earth had a really cool plot! Eeeeee! Shocking! Hard to believe! Actually, very hard to believe! Don’t even really think this one will catch on!
• Appendix Stealing – Many young people report meeting up with a stranger out one night, having a few drinks, and then waking up the next morning in a vat of ice with a small incision on their side! Ooooooo! They later discover that their appendix has been removed, probably to be sold in the shady black-market human appendix market, or, more probably, because it was about to explode, and the helpful stranger happened to be a surgeon.
• Snuff Films – For year there has existed a secret underground film industry which involves movies based around…snuff! Eeeeeee! Yes, it’s true. Some sickos get their kicks by watching video of little cans of snuff. Shocking? Yes. True? Sure. Really really lame? You betcha.
• The Pete Sampras Personality Myth – It’s rumored that on some days of the year, when the full moon is out, and there are lots of weird clouds floating around, and wolves are howling, and it’s just generally really creepy outside…Pete Sampras actually appears to have a personality! Oooooooo! Of course, it’s only temporary, and as soon as the sun comes up, there’s no trace of any sort of life or vitality to him.
• Dead Pets on Campus – If you’re at college, and your roommate’s dog dies, the university automatically gives you a 2.5 GPA. Yeep! Often, this brings down a students GPA so much that he becomes depressed and commits suicide, thus giving his roommate a 4.0 GPA. Therefore, there are many creepy tales of college students killing their dogs, in order to screw their roommates, in order to make them commit suicide, in order to get a 4.0. Furthermore, there are tales of students blowing up entire pet stores, to prevent their roommates from getting dogs, so that the roommate can’t kill the dog, so that they won’t get depressed and commit suicide, so the roommate won’t get a 4.0. Furthermore, many universities don’t allow pets in dorms. Coincidence?!?!?!?!?!?!
• Pop Rocks/Cigarettes – If you eat Pop Rocks and at the same time smoke a cigarette, your lungs will wither and die. This has little to do with the Pop Rocks, but they’re a fun part of any urban legend.

There they are! Out new T.J. Monkey’s brand urban legends! Now, get out there and start spreading lies like a good American! Those of you who don’t spread these myths will be branded as communists. And certain ones of you will be singled out and shot to set an example for others (Steve…this means you, asshole).

Porter