Once upon a time there was a hare who lived on a hill in beautiful meadow in a small little coastal town that, for the purposes of this story, was home to a great variety of animals who all had the gift of speech. The hare was a nice hare. A good hare. A physically fit and aesthetically pleasing hare. And even though he was the fastest hare around for miles, you’d never know it just talking to him. He didn’t brag. He didn’t boast.
“Boy, Mr. Hare,” the other animals would say in unison, “You sure are fast. You could easily race any of us and win, that’s no doubt. And on top of that, you’re so in shape and appealing to members of the opposite sex.”
“Now, now, other animals,” the hare would respond, “I’m certainly very appealing to members of the opposite sex. And I may be pretty fast, I guess. Oh, I may be able to beat you all in a race, but I’d sure never know. You see, I only run because it’s healthy. Did you know that just fifteen minutes a day of aerobic exercise will extend an average person’s life span by ten to fifteen years?”
Then the hare would hand out pamphlets about slowing your resting heart rate and creating a proper workout schedule. He would drone on and on for hours about how to eat right and the importance of adding strength training to a routine. At this point, several of the animals would usually slip out the back, hoping the hare didn’t see them. The hare had a way of belaboring his point. Then the hare would usually hand out a sign up sheet for a community morning run, and several animals would sign up, though none would ever show up the next morning. But the hare didn’t mind. He felt he was getting his message out, at least in a small way. And even if he wasn’t, at least he was still physically fit and very aesthetically pleasing.
Well, one day, as the hare was right in the middle of telling a small group of animals how to buy shoes with proper arch support, the tortoise came lumbering by. Now, everyone hated the tortoise. He was slow. He was wrinkled. He was ugly. He would always come around and try to tell other animals his message of how being “slow and steady” was the way to be. “Sure,” they’d say. “Then how come you never get any action, you ugly, slow monstrosity?”
These kind of comments drove the tortoise to drinking. And gambling.
On this particular day, the tortoise was on a particularly wicked bender, and he stumbled over to the hare’s gathering and exclaimed:
“Heeey you sssstupid hare…why don’ you jus’ shut up a second…why don’ yooooou jus’ shut up? Huh? Huh?!? You think you’re so hot…huh? You do, don’ yoooou? Well, why don’ you race meeee? Huh?!? Huh?”
Then the tortoise vomited and passed out. The other animals stared and shook their heads. It only goes to show you, they all thought, that ugly, slow animals like that are just sad, pathetic losers whose lives are going nowhere.
Then all the animals (except for the unconscious tortoise) took a trip down to the beach to visit the porpoise. The porpoise, like the hare, was very nice and very fast and very buff. The porpoise was very popular, just like the hare, except he was in the sea. So they got along very well because they never infringed on each other’s turf.
This day some of the animals were saying, “Hey, the hare and the porpoise are both so great and fast and attractive! What if they raced each other?”
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” said the rest of the animals.
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” said the hare.
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h- wait,” said the porpoise. “What if, rather than race, since that makes no sense, you being a land animal and me being a sea animal, what if instead we both just went on separate, self-contained marathon-type things, me in the sea, you on the land, and we got sponsors, and raised money to help increase awareness about physical fitness?”
“What a great idea!” said the rest of the animals.
“What a great idea!” said the hare.
“Gurgle…gurgle….spit…” said the slow, ugly tortoise.
And so the two animals ran their individuals races, and awareness of physical fitness was increased, and they both won, and there were no losers (except all the fat and/or ugly animals who were huge losers and were obviously just not applying themselves or trying hard enough).
And the animals in that little coastal town lived happily ever after.
Except the tortoise, who was in and out of Gamblers Anonymous for three years and then had a series of loveless marraiges.
The End.
