If I could control the forces of nature using my evil powers, I would use this power to become the lead singer of Weezer for a day. Yeah, I’d like to be Rivers Cuomo for just one day.
First thing I’d do is sleep in because I bet I’d be tired because it’s tough being Rivers Cuomo.
But eventually I’d get up in the morning and have some toast. Maybe watch a little Regis.
As I was watching I’d think of 125 new songs.
And then I’d call up the other guys in the band and be like, “Hey guys, I just wrote 125 new songs. You wanna come over in my garage studio and record ten new albums and release the albums and make them readily available and release the b-sides in America, so our fans don’t have to spend lots of extra money on import CDs, and then go and do lots of concerts, like enough so that everybody who wants to come see us could, and they wouldn’t have to waste their money on scalped tickets or tickets on eBay, and they could all come and see us and buy our t-shirts, which we could also sell online for a reasonable price, and then after we do all this, how about we all go out and get a beer because we’d deserve it.”
And then I’d be like, “Also, we should really send Porter Mason one of those ‘Undone’ singles, you know, one of the Australian import ones, that has ‘My Avaline’ on it? We should just, you know, as a band, you know, as a band, well, we should make that a top priority.” And as I was saying all this I’d write another 212 songs.
And Brian would be like, “Cool.” And Mikey would be like, “Rock it.” And Pat Wilson would be like, “Yeah, that’s cool, but we really ought to send Porter a whole bunch of autographed posters, I think, too, and some of the vinyl singles, ’cause those are badass, and we should also just send some hot chicks his way, too, if we have the opportunity. Because, that guy, he bought my Special Goodness album, and he’s gonna buy the new one, and I mean, he’s cool, and he just doesn’t get enough play.”
Pat Wilson’s awesome, man.
Anyhow, they’d all agree to do all this. And they’d be like, “Rivers, man, damn, you sure got your shit together, man. I’m stoked.”
And I’d write 78 more songs. And I’d say, “Oh, by the way guys, on these new albums, you guys should write some stuff, too, because you’re really talented, and we should put the best songs on the album, you know?”
And they’d be cool with that. And I’d say good-bye. And then Matt Sharp would call me up, and I’d be like, “Sorry I was such a dick to you when you were in the band, and was such a dictator, but you were sort of a big dick to me, so anyway, even-Steven?” And he’d say, “Cool.” And then he’d say, “Man, if you talk to Porter, tell him his ‘Getting By’ single is on the way, and a few hot chicks. Man, that guy should get more play.” And I’d agree. And I’d write 2345 more songs.
And then I’d go get some pizza. And then I’d watch Cosby reruns. And then I’d write 45,330 more songs. And then I’d go to sleep.
The next day, the guys would all come over to Rivers’ house, ready to record, stoked about the new direction of the band, and how productive he’d gotten. And he’d not know what the hell they were talking about. And he’d say, “Get the hell out of here, I wanna watch more TV and be misunderstood and reclusive and what-not.”
And I’d never get my Undone Australian import single. Or my posters. Or my vinyl singles. I might get hot chicks. But probably not. But at least, for that one day, the world would’ve known what it would’ve been like to have a productive Rivers Cuomo, an excited Rivers Cuomo, a non-insane Rivers Cuomo.
Sadly, while I do have evil powers, I can not use them to control forces of nature. So this will never happen.
But at least he finally did get his shit together, and they toured. And they toured again. And now they have a new album coming out (complete with b-sides that will be available only on imports). And it’ll be out May 15th.
And right now, if you listen real well, and try real hard, you can hear him. You can hear Rivers Cuomo of Weezer. You can hear him on tour in Japan. You can hear him yellin’ “simple pages in my mind.” You can hear him leaving the stage after the show. And if you listen real close, really really close…you can hear him…writing 200 new songs.
Glorious day, indeed.
