Well, it’s happened again: I’ve lost my Confidence. I remember having it when I was sitting down with my friends at the bar, and I remember having it when I told my friend that I could kick his ass in Mario Kart, but now, here I am, standing next to this girl I’m attracted to, and I just seem to have misplaced my Confidence completely.
It probably fell right down behind the seat at our booth. My Confidence is always falling out of my pocket when I sit down. I had it on my keychain for a while, but I lose my keys a lot too, and then I wouldn’t have my keys or my Confidence, so I’d have no confidence that I could find my keys. I’d have to just give up, and go make new keys. Or sometimes I’d just find a new apartment and buy a new car. But that’s only when I’d lose my Confidence, my keys, and my Common Sense.
I lose my Confidence way too much, and I keep threatening to invent a little beepy thing to attach to my Confidence, so that whenever I lose it, I could press a little button and I could follow the beeps to find where my Confidence fell down to. But the only time I ever think to do this is when I’ve already lost my Confidence, so I don’t have the confidence to follow through on the idea.
I know I’ll get my Confidence back eventually, I’m not confident that I’ll find it soon, but I’ll get it back at some point. I’ve lost my Confidence, but not my Hope. I always keep that in my front left shirt pocket. You never wanna lose your Hope. I thought I lost my Hope once, in my senior year of high school, and I was on a bridge, about to jump off and kill myself, when I realized I had just put my Hope in the other shirt pocket. Boy, it’s a good thing I realized that when I did because I had written in my suicide note that I’d “lost hope,” and, well, when they found my body, they would’ve seen my Hope right there in my front pocket. I would’ve been really embarrased. Really dead and embarrased.
I’m never gonna talk to this girl when all I can think about is where my Confidence is. I better just give up… hey, there’s my Confidence! It was right there behind that guy’s briefcase! Well, that’s nice, now I can talk to this girl. You know… I don’t really find her that attractive now that I’m up close, and her voice is sort of grating, and she’s keeps laughing at really inappropriate times. Well, now I seem to have lost my Interest! Now where did I put it… I had it right here in my wallet when I walked over… This is really frustrating! I can’t stand constantly losing all this stuff! It’s getting to the point where – oh, great! Now I’ve lost my Patience! I’d yell about it, but I seem to have lost my Voice. And my Nerve. And my Credibility. And my Focus. And now I’ve lost your Interest! I’m sorry about that; you trusted me to hold onto it. Oh, jeez, and now I’ve lost your Respect. And your Business. And your… uh… your… what, uh, what were we…
Oh.
I’ve lost my Train of Thought.
