I often assume a lot of people in the world are actually top-secret spies. For example, I’ll be on a subway, and some guy will cough twice. I then immediately assume he may be a super-secret spy. I assume he thinks I too am a super-secret spy, and I further assume he ... More »

Parades are great, aren’t they? I mean, nothin’ says “America” to me like a parade. Nothin’. Except maybe a big bald eagle. Draped in an American flag. Flying over the White House. Carrying the statue of Liberty. Eating a hot dog. Playing baseball. Watching a Pauly Shore movie. That ... More »

Some things don’t translate well to TV. Like the backs of cereal boxes. Look, how many hours have you spent in your “life” reading the backs, sides, and bottoms of cereal boxes. When I was small, this was like my freakin’ New York Times in the morning, you know? ... More »

Well, it’s happened again: I’ve lost my Confidence. I remember having it when I was sitting down with my friends at the bar, and I remember having it when I told my friend that I could kick his ass in Mario Kart, but now, here I am, standing next to this girl I’m attracted ... More »