If you’re like me ( and many, many people are), then you’re always goin’ around and telling people that they are incorrect or "wrong". Furthermore, if you’re like me, you probably need to pay the electric bill. Get goin’ on that; you remember what happened last time, stupid.
Now, after telling so many people they’re wrong, it becomes apparent that there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. I will now lay out the right ways and skip over the wrong ways, as I am not keen on being wrong, and if you’re like me, neither are you. You also probably need to go to the dentist, too, but pay the electric bill first, moron, or at least write the check and drop it off on the way.
So, a really good way to tell someone they’re wrong is, "Hey, you big fat idiot, get yer head out yer boo, and think about what yer sayin’." Now…. this is not a way to go if the person who’s wrong (hereafter, the wronger) is truly "big" and "fat". Why? Because it may anger them. That’s right, some wrongers don’t wanna hear the truth about themselves. And most of these wrongers are big and fat. Or stupid. But you can tell a stupid wronger they’re stupid because they’ll won’t even understand what you’re saying. Why? Because they’re so stupid. But the big, fat wrongers, or even just the big wrongers, or even just a group of people I like to call "People Who Can Beat You Up If You’re Like Me", well… you shouldn’t say this to them. Why? Figure it out. This is a thought of the day, not a spoon-feeding, people. Now, another problem with this method is, many people might not know what a "boo" is. Well, it’s your butt, idiot. That’s what you say if they ask. "Well, it’s your butt, idiot." That’s right. Now, you’ve really shown ‘em.
Another way to go is, "You’re very wrong on that one. You’re the wrongest wrong that ever wronged a wrong." I love this method. You see, if people aren’t really listening to you (which, if you’re like me, and we’ve established you are, is very common), if people (wrongers) aren’t paying attention to you, this way is great, see, because if they miss that first "wrong", you hit ‘em with four more! Zam! They’re on the ground, writhing in their wrongness! Ha ha! Woo! Yeah, this way is great. Again, though, avoid the "People Who Can Beat You Up If You’re Like Me" (or "PWCBYUIYLM"ers as they’re know in the media).
Way number three: "Could you hold on a second?… (mime answering a phone) Hello? Uh-huh… Oh, he/she’s really totally and completely wrong? Oh how interesting! I’ll tell them! (mime hanging up the phone, then point at the wronger and storm away)" Man… I love this way. It’s like a whole play! A whole little one-act, one-man play you put on for the wrongers! But do they appreciate it? No! The little bastards… you put on a whole play for them, and what do they say? Usually something like, "Porter’s performance, while truthful, lacked passion. And if you’re not sitting in the first three rows, forget about hearing anything; the sound quality was poor. Mason’s lackluster effort here is unfortunately just par-for-the-course in today’s off-Broadway world. And this reviewer, for one, is sick and tired of it." Well, Jesus. What does this teach us? Never do this way if the wronger is a theatre critic. And: remember to speak from the diaphragm. Project your voice! Project!
The final way we’ll cover (there are many we will not cover) is this: "(poke them in the eye, spit, and run away)." Well, the basic rules still apply here: avoid the "PWCBYUIYLM"ers, and don’t upstage yourself. Other than that, you should feel free to apply this way liberally to all wrongness. It really shows the wronger who’s boss: they won’t be bein’ wrong anymore! Mostly because they’re blind! Zing!
That is all for this lesson. If you think there’s more I should cover, get yer head out yer boo! And pay the damn electric bill! Zow!
