Monthly Archives February 2001

On Going Back to School

Posted on February 3, 2001 by Porter Mason

You might think going back to visit the school where you graduated from is a lot like “Back To School” starring Rodney Dangerfield. You might think, “I bet I’m filthy rich, and there’ll be a big diving contest, and I’ll do this cool dive, and my son will be impressed, and I’ll become a better father, and he’ll get the girl of his dreams, and I’ll get my degree that I’ve wanted for thirty years.” But then you actually go there, and there’s no diving contest, and they won’t give you an honorary degree, and you don’t even have a son. You are, in fact, filthy rich, so that part rings true, but that’s little consolation on those nights when all you want to do kick back with your son and talk about diving contests and remark how great your honorary degree looks in that new frame.

Going back to school is a lot like “The Abyss”. There’s all this water (or “beer”), and there’s this big pit (or “quad”) filled with alien spaceships (or “UFOs”). And then James Cameron yells, “Cut!” and you have to redo the last scene for the five hundreth because Ed Harris missed his goddamned mark, and he’s all pissy, and you wanna be like, “Hey, Harris, you sucked in ‘The Rock’, Connery carried that shit!” but you don’t, because you know he just got out of rehab, and he’s going through a tough time, but he needs to leave that baggage at the door. That’s why it’s a lot like “The Abyss”. Plus, remember how that water thingie in “The Abyss” looked so real and lifelike? When you go back to school, all the people there look all real and lifelike, too. But the blue-screening at school is pretty bad, so you can see a lot of rough edges.

In short, going back to school is tough, especially if you lost the directions. Oh, sure, you could stop and ask, or call a friend, but you’re on a plane, so how’s that really gonna happen? So, there you are, 25,000 feet up, without a clue where you’re going, or why you’re going there, and you’ve seen the dailies, and the footage with you and the water-beast looks really fake, and Ed Harris still can’t act his way out of a paper bag! Or a pit in the ocean! And the latter is what’s required here!

Still, when you finally get back to school, and see all your old friends, and remember all the times you had there, you think, “Wow, I can’t believe I paid $120,000 for this.” And then you think, “Wait, I haven’t yet; I’m still paying for this tremendous load of crap as we speak!” And then you realize you don’t have enough money to go on this trip, and you go back home. And you start thinking about how to default on your student loans. And that’s what memories are all about.

Porter and John

On Bear Movies

Posted on February 4, 2001 by Porter Mason

I think a good movie would be one about a whole bunch of wild bears who came into the city to attack city people, but then they get caught up in the hustle-bustle of city life, and they never get around to killing any people, and then the movie would end with, like, a montage of these saddened bears in their 9-to-5 jobs they got stuck in, looking off into the distance thinking about what could’ve been, and there’d be some song in the background, like “Everybody Hurts”, but not “Everybody Hurts” because everybody uses that. I would call the movie: “The Sidetracked Bears”.

Or maybe rather than kill people, they had come to the city spread their gospel, like missionaries, and they would go to the people’s apartments, and try to tell them how great their little bear religion was, but the people wouldn’t understand (because they spoke people-talk, not bear-talk), and so their religion would fail (because of the awful ratings), and they’d end up selling flowers in airports. And then I think maybe it’d be called: “The Misdirected Bears”. Missionaries are lame. That’s clear. So maybe if instead of religion, they came to sell stuff. They’re salesmen bears. Salesbears. And they have to make a quota by a certain date, you know, they have to sell a certain amount by a certain date, or else they get evicted. From their… forest. By their…. land… landlordbear. Landbear. Lordbear. Landbearlord. It’s called: “The Salesmen Bears”.

All right, it’s obvious “The Salesmen Bears” has a lot of semantical problems (re: landbearlord), but now, I’ve got it, I’ve got it. They come to the city to spread news that this asteroid is going to hit the earth, and they’re trying to warn people about it, but they run into a language barrier (see earlier ideas on “people-talk” and “bear-talk”), so it’s really difficult; plus, no one wants to hear about some asteriod coming to blow them up, so it’s a tough message to get out.

I’ll call it: “The Bad News Bears”.

They’ve done that? Little-league baseball?

Shit.

Porter

On Telling People They’re Wrong

Posted on February 9, 2001 by Porter Mason

If you’re like me ( and many, many people are), then you’re always goin’ around and telling people that they are incorrect or "wrong". Furthermore, if you’re like me, you probably need to pay the electric bill. Get goin’ on that; you remember what happened last time, stupid.

Now, after telling so many people they’re wrong, it becomes apparent that there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. I will now lay out the right ways and skip over the wrong ways, as I am not keen on being wrong, and if you’re like me, neither are you. You also probably need to go to the dentist, too, but pay the electric bill first, moron, or at least write the check and drop it off on the way.

So, a really good way to tell someone they’re wrong is, "Hey, you big fat idiot, get yer head out yer boo, and think about what yer sayin’." Now…. this is not a way to go if the person who’s wrong (hereafter, the wronger) is truly "big" and "fat". Why? Because it may anger them. That’s right, some wrongers don’t wanna hear the truth about themselves. And most of these wrongers are big and fat. Or stupid. But you can tell a stupid wronger they’re stupid because they’ll won’t even understand what you’re saying. Why? Because they’re so stupid. But the big, fat wrongers, or even just the big wrongers, or even just a group of people I like to call "People Who Can Beat You Up If You’re Like Me", well… you shouldn’t say this to them. Why? Figure it out. This is a thought of the day, not a spoon-feeding, people. Now, another problem with this method is, many people might not know what a "boo" is. Well, it’s your butt, idiot. That’s what you say if they ask. "Well, it’s your butt, idiot." That’s right. Now, you’ve really shown ‘em.

Another way to go is, "You’re very wrong on that one. You’re the wrongest wrong that ever wronged a wrong." I love this method. You see, if people aren’t really listening to you (which, if you’re like me, and we’ve established you are, is very common), if people (wrongers) aren’t paying attention to you, this way is great, see, because if they miss that first "wrong", you hit ‘em with four more! Zam! They’re on the ground, writhing in their wrongness! Ha ha! Woo! Yeah, this way is great. Again, though, avoid the "People Who Can Beat You Up If You’re Like Me" (or "PWCBYUIYLM"ers as they’re know in the media).

Way number three: "Could you hold on a second?… (mime answering a phone) Hello? Uh-huh… Oh, he/she’s really totally and completely wrong? Oh how interesting! I’ll tell them! (mime hanging up the phone, then point at the wronger and storm away)" Man… I love this way. It’s like a whole play! A whole little one-act, one-man play you put on for the wrongers! But do they appreciate it? No! The little bastards… you put on a whole play for them, and what do they say? Usually something like, "Porter’s performance, while truthful, lacked passion. And if you’re not sitting in the first three rows, forget about hearing anything; the sound quality was poor. Mason’s lackluster effort here is unfortunately just par-for-the-course in today’s off-Broadway world. And this reviewer, for one, is sick and tired of it." Well, Jesus. What does this teach us? Never do this way if the wronger is a theatre critic. And: remember to speak from the diaphragm. Project your voice! Project!

The final way we’ll cover (there are many we will not cover) is this: "(poke them in the eye, spit, and run away)." Well, the basic rules still apply here: avoid the "PWCBYUIYLM"ers, and don’t upstage yourself. Other than that, you should feel free to apply this way liberally to all wrongness. It really shows the wronger who’s boss: they won’t be bein’ wrong anymore! Mostly because they’re blind! Zing!

That is all for this lesson. If you think there’s more I should cover, get yer head out yer boo! And pay the damn electric bill! Zow!

Porter