Monthly Archives October 2000

On the the Nature of Dreams and “Love Shack”

Posted on October 24, 2000 by Porter Mason

Yesterday I had an interesting dream. I was waiting in a line. We were waiting to meditate. We were all waiting in a long line, and when you got to the front of the line, you went to either the right or the left, and you meditated. But we had to keep the line moving, so you only got to meditate for a second or two.
When I got to what I thought was the front of the line, I started to go to one of the meditating people, but I was a little anxious apparently because it wasn’t my turn. The person in charge (who was my boss at work) told me it wasn’t my turn and asked me to sit down. I said I was sorry and went to sit down in the chairs that were now at the front of the line. I sat down and fell over in the chair. I quickly got up and sat down in another chair and just as quickly it fell over as well. So I went next door to a classroom with drafting tables (that had not been there previously because we had been outside) and got a stool and brought it back and sat on that. Then my turn came, and I got to meditate.

I woke up, and the song “Love Shack” was mysteriously in my head. I haven’t heard “Love Shack” in about 5 years. but there it was, right in my head. Not even the whole song, just this part: “funkylittleshack…. funky little shack”. Just that part. Over and over.

I’ve heard a few interpretations of what the dream means. My boss said it indicates a yearning for spirituality. My friend said it seems to show I have a fear of failure.

No one was able to explain the most horrifying part of the whole affair: “Love Shack”?!?!? Why? Whyyyyy?!? And more importantly, how? I never even really liked “Love Shack”. I always liked “Roam”.

Porter

On the Popularity of Carlos Santana

Posted on October 25, 2000 by Porter Mason

A lot of you out there may think you like Carlos Santana. A lot of you are wrong. Dead wrong.

You think you like Carlos Santana. You think, "He’s a great guitarist." You think, "I’m really into his sound."

You don’t like Carlos Santana.

I know, I know. You think you do. But ask yourself this: why do you care at all about Carlos Santana? Why did you first want to buy his latest album? Is it because… you read about him being one of the greatest guitarists of the last few decades? Is it because… you were interested in his exciting mix of guitar rock and Latin rhythm?

Let’s be honest. You heard of Carlos Santana because you saw him on MTV with the Matchbox 20 guy. You think Carlos Santana is great musician because MTV said, "Carlos Santana is a great musician." Then they said, "His exciting mix of guitar rock and Latin music is really a very exciting mix indeed." And you said, "Yeah. You know that’s really… yeah."

You don’t like Carlos Santana. He doesn’t even sing on his songs. For every other band in the Universe, you only care about the guy who sings. Pearl Jam: Eddie Vedder, Bush: Gavin… something (I wanna say Gavin McLeod, but that’s the guy on Love Boat), nSync: that main nSync guy who sings a lot. Never in your life have you been listening to a song and thought, "The guitar work on this song is wonderful and I like this song because the guitar work is so good and interesting." You remember songs when the words are catchy and they play them on Top 40 radio and MTV. That’s fine; I don’t knock it. That’s a valid way to decide to like music.

But you don’t like Carlos Santana. You like Rob Thomas maybe. And you like Wyclef. But really you only like them because they were on MTV a lot too.

Anyway, the next time you say to someone, "Yes, I’m a big Carlos Santana fan; he’s a great musician." Stop. Punch yourself in the face, and go download "Black Magic Woman" off of Napster.

Porter

On the Benefits of the Internet

Posted on October 26, 2000 by Porter Mason

Sometimes you really have to step back and look at the amazing and incredible advances in technology we have available to us these days.

Take the Internet… please! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! HA HA HA ha ha ha HA!!! (please read each "ha", it’s essential that you do) No, really, seriously, I kid the Internet cuz I love it and that’s the truth.

Ahem.

But the Internet, yeah, I mean, wow, it’s freakin’ amazing. Think about this, right now, even though I’m sitting in an office building in New York, in seconds, literally, in just a few seconds, I could be looking at porn in Sweden. Seconds!! With the click of a mouse, I could be illegally stealing music and software!! Just a click!! I write a couple words into a search engine and bing-bang-boom, I can print out blueprints for a nuclear warhead!! Just a few words!!

Imagine the 50s (it’s hard, but try); imagine back before we had this "information superhighway". You can’t? Let me help you. (before reading, keep in mind I’ve done most of my research for this thought by simply sitting at my desk and waiting for things to occur to me) Back in the 50s, if you wanted to buy porn, you’d have to actually face society, walk out in public to "Ye Olde Pornagrapherdashersmith" and actually admit to another human that, yes, you’d like to pay $7 to look at pictures of men and women with their bits exposed. What a bother!

If you wanted to steal things from other people, you had to, first of all, buy a criminal’s outift (from a local TJ Maxx or Burlington Coat Factory) which includes a mask, a cape, a funny hat, and a striped shirt. Basically, a Hamburglar costume. That sets you back $10-$15. Then you had to pick up a big bag to put all the stuff you were stealing in (about $7, although if you want a nice one, you’re droppin’ $10, maybe $20). Then what? Then, as if to add insult to injury, you actually had to go into stores and physically take things from people!! What if the store didn’t have what you wanted? Well, too bad, you’d just have to steal what you could and hope they have some sort of burglary return/raincheck policy! And most places didn’t! …!

And if you wanted to build a nuclear weapon? Oh, brother. First, you’d have to form a colony on an uncivilized piece of land. Then you’d have to undergo a "revolution" and set up your own government. Then you’d have to wait around 170 years until the Nazis got their act together. Then you exclaim "This madman must be stopped! The violence must end!", you build a weapon capable of destroying all life (including yourself). You then spend a few weeks dispelling rumours of intense irony in your exclamation. And then finally you get some scientists together and they give you plans to split some atoms. Whew!! Then you have a glass of iced tea because that whole affair was so durned tricky!! Ha ha ha, it’s true you probably would, ha hA HA ha! Anyway…

So, let’s join hands everyone, let’s rejoice that we live in a time in which performing dangerous and illegal acts is as easy and accessible as breaking someone’s legs with a crowbar! Oh wait, that’s illegal and dangerous too!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Then my simile was all wrong!! HA ha ha ha ha!!! I’m so silly!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Silly similes!! Hooo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!! HA ha ha HA!!

(wiping laughter tears from eyes) Ah… I’m gonna go find some porn…

Porter